Hello Dear Readers,
I can’t believe it has been so long since my last post. I thought about writing to you. Every. Day. I began posts that I never finished. I had things to tell you. I took a notebook to my appointments and filled page after page with thoughts meant for you over these long
weeks months (gasp!) apart. But I just couldn’t. Share them. Here.
It’s difficult for me to admit that things have been just plain crappy. I’ve had infection after infection (pneumonia, kidney, cellulitis). Super antibiotic after super antibiotic. And I have zero energy. Just getting out of bed each day has been such a struggle.
I’m beginning to think that if I don’t tell myself repeatedly on a morning that I don’t have a choice, I may not be able do it. I am no stranger to forcing my body and mind to push on when they are begging me to just rest. But pleading is being replaced more and more by screaming on the part of my exhausted body and mind. And sometimes I am met with absolute refusal. There are times during the day, or especially in the early to late evening, when I am just hit with insurmountable fatigue and I must stop, wherever I am, and lie down.
This was happening before I was diagnosed. In the months before I heard the words, “Everything we biopsied was malignant,” I was struck with fatigue like this. The kind of fatigue that stops you in your tracks. The kind of fatigue that lets you know that if you don’t find a place to lie down and sleep immediately, your body will find one for you, be it a bench or a chair or a carpet or a patch of grass. Your body doesn’t care about the where. It will drop you anywhere.
This happens about once or twice a day now. It’s usually after I’ve been up and out for appointments, etc. By the time the kids get home, have dinner, and I help with homework, it has already been creeping up on me. And then I just hit a wall and cannot do “it” anymore — whatever “it” may be. Not for another minute. And I go to the couch, drop down, and cannot move again. It takes a great deal of cajoling to get my body to take me upstairs for bed. Brushing my teeth seems an insurmountable task. I just need to crawl into bed after the exhausting trip up the stairs to my room, and fall asleep.
But it is happening earlier in the day, too. A few days ago, I went to an appointment in the morning and had to lie down in the car afterward and cancel my afternoon appointment. And when I finally made it home, I had to lie down and couldn’t move again until the kids came home and I convinced my body that it no longer had the luxury of resting time. But after dinner, I had to lie down again.
I don’t know if I’ve told you this before, but this is not normal for me. I can usually push, push, push, until everything is taken care of, everyone is in bed, the day is done. And then I will lay awake for hours, waiting for sleep to come. And it eventually will, but sometimes not until the birds are beginning to stir outside and I know that the faint early morning light will soon creep through my velvety merlot curtains. And just a few hours later, it will be time to get up with the kids and for the school routine to begin before I head out the door myself.
Well, that “normal” is long gone… This hasn’t been happening for months now. Now, when I hit that metaphorical wall, I will drift in and out of sleep. Sometimes just until the dead of night. Other times it is until the dawn begins to break. But I just can’t stay awake without a major effort.
I do wake frequently.
I was experiencing night sweats “before.” During the worst of the chemos. And then ever since my radical hysterectomy and salpingo-oopherectomy two years ago. But the hot flashes and night sweats that spiked when I had to have my my surgery two years ago had begun to wane (well, somewhat, anyway — when I say “wane,” what I really mean is slip down to a more manageable number/degree, if there is such a thing) about a year ago.
And now… They’ve ramped up again with a vengeance and have become far more intense and overwhelming than what I had been accustomed to, even when they were at their worst. They have been even more overwhelming and exhausting in the past six months than they were in the first year without my ovaries. I am waking about three times a night now just completely drenched. So much so that I need to change whatever I’m wearing each time. And it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing. Flannel head-to-toe pajamas — drenched. A soft robe — drenched. A cozy sweatshirt and sweatpants — drenched. Yoga pants and a light top — drenched. A thin t-shirt and undies — drenched. Just the undies — drenched. It really doesn’t matter. I will often lay a blanket down in the bed to cover the soaked bedding and to give myself a fresh start for the night. And then I’ll do this maybe twice more per night after each soaking.
I’ve tried everything I can think of to curb the frequency or intensity of the night sweats, but nothing helps.
And then every day I find myself breaking out into cold sweats. My face is dripping with sweat. Drops of sweat roll down my legs and arms. And then I find myself shivering and needing to change my clothes because I am so, so wet.
Sure, this happened before. To a degree. Surgical menopause at 35 will do that to you. Or at least that’s what it did to me. But this, this is so much worse. It doesn’t feel normal. So far from it.
It’s concerning and exhausting, to say the least. I’m hoping (I think?) this increase in frequency and intensity might have something to do with the fevers I’ve been experiencing on a now regular basis over the past six months? But then, what is causing the fevers? Sure, I’ve had lots of infections. But I’ve been on antibiotics consistently, with breaks of only a couple of days, if at all, between. So it’s unclear as to whether the fevers are linked to the infections.
Sometimes I’m glad I’m too tired to expend the mental energy to think about it!
Well, this has become more of an explanation post than an apology letter. But I began intent upon focusing on the apology. Because I do owe you an apology. You’ve stood by me, reading, commenting, emailing, or sending messages in some other way. And I haven’t been the best with the communication. Okay, I’ve been downright shitty, really. But it is not because I haven’t thought of you.
It is not because I haven’t appreciated you.
It is not because I haven’t wanted to reach out to you.
It is just because.
I wish I could say or do better than this. But I will try my best to give you what I can, when I can. And I sincerely hope you’ll continue to reach out to me as you have been. Because it has meant so much to me.
Even when it doesn’t seem like it, I am listening. And I am grateful to know that you’ve thought of me, even if it is just a fleeting thought. Because sometimes that makes all the difference in the world…
p.s. Because you know I love to stick photos wherever I can, I’m adding a few pictures that illustrate (at least I think so!) the theme of The Daily Post‘s Weekly Photo Challenge topic for this week. This week’s challenge asks participants to show readers a “Room” or “Rooms.” Here are a couple of rooms other than the hospital and Cancer Center rooms above…
The rooms below are from a visit to “Give Kids the World” with my boys’ best friend and his family.
B has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and was granted his “wish” by the Make A Wish Foundation and “Give Kids the World” back when he and my twins were in pre-school.
We were fortunate to be able to return to “Give Kids the World” with B and his family recently. I am good friends with B’s mom. The boys and B’s brother and sister all get along so well. And we like B’s dad, too. So it was wonderful to have some special time with B and his whole family.
These are a few photos from a visit to a series of special rooms on the campus where each child leaves a shiny gold star containing his/her wish behind… The ceilings were covered with wishes. What a moving experience.
Okay, off to bed. Thanks so much for visiting. I hope life is being kind to you…
My warmest wishes…