Warmth — Weekly Photo Challenge & Thoughts Of You…

 

Radiation, Cancer Center, breast cancer thirties 30s 30's kids twins family dogs morgan william mastectomy Christmas Hanukkah 2014 lymph nodes weekly photo challenge warmth the daily post

 

I can’t believe I’ve allowed so much time to pass — again.  It just happens.  It’s so easy to let this happen.  And yet it is so difficult.  So difficult.

I’m doing it here.  I’m doing it in my life outside of this blog.  I’m doing it everywhere.

Pulling away.  Distancing myself.

And I don’t want to do this.

It just happens.

There is so much to tell you.  So much I should have shared with you about everything that has been going on.  But…

I’m just so tired.  So tired.  So tired of feeling awful.  Of being in pain.  Of being tired.  Of feeling sick.  Of vomiting.  Of everything…

And I realize how terrible that sounds.

I should be grateful to be here.  To be alive.  And I am.  But there is a part of me that feels as though maybe that just isn’t enough anymore.  That maybe quality — and not just quantity — of life is important, too.

Of course this is a complicated topic.  Even my own point of view changes throughout the day and as I lie awake at night often feeling too sick or in too much pain to sleep.  There is no easy answer where all of this cancer and cancer treatment “stuff” is concerned.  On the one hand, I (like so many) have been driven to do everything I can to survive.  But on the other hand, I never really considered how much collateral damage there would be.

Who really does?

For many of us — and for many of our oncologists — the goal really is survival and/or life extension.  Sure, there are consent forms and there’s a bit of discussion about the risks of our treatments, surgeries, etc.  But how many of us fully appreciate what the cost (and I’m not even addressing the financial toll…yet) of these sometimes Herculean efforts will be?

I’d venture to guess that the answer is “not too many.”

There is so much I want to say.  So much I want to tell you.  There are so many topics I’d like to cover here.  Questions I want to answer.  And I know I need to try to do better here.  To be present more.  To give this platform the respect it deserves.

In the New Year I hope to do better.  To tell you more.  Because there is so much to tell.  And to address the questions/issues/etc. that so many of you have written and asked me to address.

I will try…

For now I will say “hello again” and tell you that I’ve missed you and that I hope you are doing okay and that you had a nice holiday.  And I will thank you for continuing to stand by me, to check in, to care.  And I will tell you that you are appreciated more than you know…

breast cancer thirties 30s 30's kids twins family dogs morgan william mastectomy Christmas Hanukkah 2014 lymph nodes weekly photo challenge warmth the daily post

And for old times’ sake I’ll leave you with our Christmas card and some photos that illustrate The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge topic—  “Warmth.”  — for me.  {If you would like to participate in the challenge, just click on the link above.}  In the Christmas card you’ll see two humans and two pups who warm my heart.

Radiation, Cancer Center, breast cancer thirties 30s 30's kids twins family dogs morgan william mastectomy Christmas Hanukkah 2014 lymph nodes weekly photo challenge warmth the daily post

And in the fleece photos, you’ll see a literal example of warmth.  My boys (and one of their special friends) were asked to do a service project for school.  They chose to volunteer their time at one of my cancer centers, a place that is very dear to my heart.  They helped to prepare fleece ponchos to gift to new patients set to undergo radiation.

I’m not sure who first thought of the idea, but I know these warm ponchos will provide a bit of comfort for patients who will appreciate them, I’m sure.

The Cancer Center’s social worker was kind enough to give the boys a tour of the radiation suite that I once visited daily while I was undergoing that phase of my treatment so they could see where the patients will be wearing the ponchos.

Thank you, friend…  Sending my warmest wishes to you during the holidays and as we head into the New Year…  xxx

 

 

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38 thoughts on “Warmth — Weekly Photo Challenge & Thoughts Of You…

  1. So good to hear from you. I hope this new year brings better times your way. Please never feel obligated …… never say “sorry”…… just share when it feels right. Best wishes to you and your dear boys.

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  2. I am so happy to hear from you again. While you may be feeling like crap, you look wonderful in the picture. Don’t feel obligated or guilty if you can’t make it here. We’ll be thinking about you anyway. Do what is right for you and not necessarily right for others. A wise philosophizer once said, “Pick battles big enough to matter and small enough to win.” Only you can decide if the battle is the right size. Happy New Year and many heart warming hugs to you.

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  3. My thoughts and good wishes are with you, as ever. Please do only what makes you feel good, and please don’t apologize or feel bad about your readers or anything else. May the coming year bring you and your lovely boys only happiness.

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  4. I have been so worried about you and your boys. It is good to hear from you. For the new year I wish you peace and happiness, I wish you to be free from pain, free from worry. I wish I could help you in some way. Contact me through here, I think we are not too far from each other.

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  5. I was so happy to hear from you. Cancer just sucks, but we must push on, especially for those we love. Thoughts and prayers have been and will continue to be with you.

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    • Thank you so much, Suzanne… You are so right when you say, “Cancer just sucks, but we must push on, especially for those we love.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for your thoughts & prayers — sending you the same…

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  6. Thank you so much for being honest. I sooo love your comment about collateral damage. I’ve always wondered if I would have made the same decision regarding BC if I’d known what was to come, and I’m very grateful to you for letting me know that it’s an issue for other “survivors” out there. I’ll keep praying that a miracle is found and your pain and discomfort can be stopped in its tracks, and your life (and mine) can go on with less darkness and more light. I’m wishing every bit of peace and joy possible for you. Love and sisterhood to you—

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    • Thank you for your kind words. You are definitely not alone. This diagnosis and the choices that face us can feel so weighty and have such life-altering consequences, but it can be easy to forget this when we are often expected to just move on following each treatment/surgery or each bit of positive news. But as you & I know, just because a treatment has ended or a surgery is over, it doesn’t mean the side effects won’t linger & that there won’t be lasting consequences. It just helps to know we are not alone…
      Thank you for reaching out and for your prayers. I like the idea of there being more darkness than light and I wish you the very same… Love & sisterhood to you, too…

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  7. Please know that reading you has warmed me; I thank you.
    There’s a saying my Salvadoran friend uses often: “Solo él que carga el moral sabe lo que pesa”. A “moral” is a kind of shoulder pack; only the person carrying it knows what it weighs. I respect and support you.
    I wish you a year of good days.

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  8. dear friend across the ocean, I think of you often and so wish that your days could be easier, pain free and of good quality. I have often pondered the quality vs. quantity question because so many in my family have had to make that impossible choice. Sending much love and strength to you for 2015 xoxox

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    • so wonderful to hear from you… i think of you often & know you understand firsthand the ups & downs and trials & tribulations this disease brings and I’m so sorry that you do… I think of you often & hope you & your son are doing okay… Please give my hugs to your dad & keep some for yourself… Wishing you love & strength in the New Year & sending my warmest thoughts across the sea, dear friend… xoxoxo

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  9. I think it is only natural. after all you are trying to get on with life and so it’s less time for this blog. . . and it sounds to me like your are really overwhelmed by all the things you want to accomplish. So I think just take a deep breath. take a step back. relax a little. maybe make a list and than little by little step by step, maybe just one post a week on one topic of your list. maybe that will help?

    I think I do understand what you are trying to say about the collateral damage, though it’s not an easy area to go to, to speak of, but as I always learn through others, I know of a woman a mother of a friend of ours who is right now in the clear, no evidence, but, well, yeah, the collateral damage on her was really harsh…I think part of the damage was the cancer and part was the treatment. enough said. I just hope that with therapy and nutrition she can get slightly better.

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  10. Thanks for taking the time to write a post. Don’t feel bad – you’ve got enough on your plate without feeling guilty about regular posting on your blog, girl. And as for the content, when you feel up to it or need to let off some steam, just go ahead and write whatever you feel like writing. I’m game to read.
    Your boys look gorgeous – big hugs to you and yours xxx

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  11. How wonderful to find a blog post from you in my inbox, even though I am sad to hear how poorly you are feeling. Love the photo of your boys and their friend. They are getting very grown up. I wish I could make all your pain go away but I can’t. But I can tell you how much I admire your strength and your courage and also keep sending positive thoughts your way. Take care.

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  12. We will all look forward to hearing from you whenever you can manage it. But make no mistake, we are thinking of you and praying for you and your family whether you are present on our screens or not. I hope this new year provides security, peace, and well-being for you and your boys. They are just adorable, and you are amazing. XOXO Hugs and warmest wishes.

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  13. First: I’m so glad to hear from you, we all are!
    Second: you do what works for you! While we are glad to hear from you, we understand you only have so much energy in a day and of course, as a Mom, you only have so much time.
    Thoughts are with you, more often than you know.

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  14. What a relief to hear from you! Thank you for surmounting so many obstacles to make a blog post. Short and sweet is just fine with us. We simply want to know you are carrying on so that we may carry on with the prayers. Bless you and your family. Here’s to a pain-free 2015 with nights of restful sleep. Sending love from afar…

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  15. You have the full support of all of us, no matter what. If you need to distance yourself for a time to make the path a little easier, just do it and don’t feel guilty. We will continue to care and pray from a distance. Just remember that you are never alone.
    Blessings to you and the family.

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  16. I hope all is well with you and your boys. I pray for you often. You are in my thoughts almost daily. Take care of yourself.

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    • Thanks so much for thinking of me & for writing, Melissa… Things have been rough, but I’m still hanging on… And the boys are doing okay — they just had a birthday, another milestone I never thought I’d see in the beginning, so even though I don’t feel well, I know that seeing them reach another year has to count for something!! Thanks so much for looking in on us. I hope you are well??… I miss my friends here — especially wonderful people like you — and hope I pull myself together enough to return soon.
      Thank you so much, Melissa! Hope you are well… xoxoxo

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