The Dream

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I realize it has been over a week and a half since my last post.  Since I am too tired to muster the energy for a proper post, I thought I’d leave you with a short story — a dream, really.  

I promise to be back soon.  School ended for the boys on Thursday after 4 half-day sessions.  And the weekend was filled with their soccer games and errands in 90+ degree temperatures.  I thought being out in the heat  and hot sun all weekend would tire them out, but it’s actually me who seems to be having trouble!

Thanks for understanding.  I’ll “see” you soon…

——–

The Dream

Nina awoke in a panic.  She had been up well into the early morning hours again.  The last time she recalled looking at the clock, the bright blue numbers read 5:13 a.m.  She remembered getting up to go to the bathroom — again — and that was it.  She must have fallen asleep soon afterward.

More often than not, this was about the time when her eyes would finally close for the last time each night.  She was in pain all day, but the nights were in a class by themselves.  It was as if she kept herself so busy throughout the day that she managed to distract herself from what her body was feeling.  But at night there were no distractions.  It was just her body and her thoughts.

And she didn’t like either these days.

When sleep finally came, it was a deep sleep.  The kind that encourages dreaming.  She didn’t usually remember her dreams.  She was okay with this because there had been times in her life when her dreams had come true — and they were never the “good” dreams.

She thought of this as she remembered the dream she’d just had.  When she slept that morning, she found herself running from an assailant wearing a dark sweatshirt and black sneakers.  She was out of breath and panting as he came upon her.  He had the same shape as her husband and the same dark hair.  She couldn’t see his face.  But his scent was familiar.

She saw something shiny in his hand.  It caught the light from the streetlamp just right.  She recognized the object now.  It was a long kitchen knife.

Panic set in as she tried to run faster.  But it was too late.  He grabbed her from behind.  She tried to scream.  Tried and tried.  But no sound emerged.

She was still straining to scream when she woke suddenly.  Her heart was racing.  She was dripping with sweat and shivering because she was so wet that she was cold.  It had seemed so real.  And even in her groggy state she realized that she’d had this “dream” many times before.

She rolled onto her back and saw her husband’s dark eyes staring at her with a look of disdain.

“You woke me up,” he said, angrily.

She apologized and started to tell him that she was having a nightmare.  He cut her off and said he knew this because she was whimpering and saying “No” in her sleep.

She said “Sorry” again, but he didn’t care.  He never cared.

When Maroon 5’s “Love Somebody” interrupted her pathetic apology, she was glad.  It was 7:30.  Time to get the kids ready for school.  Time to put her game face on.

Her husband rolled over, positioning his back to her.  She caught a whiff of his musky odor.  And it was then that she recognized the scent from her dream…

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19 thoughts on “The Dream

  1. Thinking of you and your boys. Just from reading past posts I would bet money that you are speaking of yourself. You deserve better. Will keep you and your boys in my thoughts and prayers.

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    • Thank you so much, Melissa. I keep trying to tell myself that I deserve better, but when push comes to shove, I can’t seem to muster the courage to do what needs to be done. Thanks for your thoughts & prayers — they are appreciated!

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  2. I have been reading your blog for some time now and wondering how you are doing.. your boys are adorable, not a nice dream to have, hope it isn’t yours

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    • Thanks so much for reading and for your comment, Vanessa! I wish the story wasn’t reality-based, but maybe one day these dreams will stop if I can muster the courage to send the guy in the hooded sweatshirt packing! Thanks for your comment about the boys! 🙂

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  3. This left me at a loss for words. You are powerful, you are courageous, you are strong, you are inspiring to everyone in sharing your story. You need a hug and I think those boys would fill you up. Hold them an extra few minutes and steal some of their energy:)

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    • Oh Cathy, thank you so much for your kind comment. I don’t feel that way 99% of the time, especially when I think of how long I have been in this situation and haven’t found the strength to get out. But hearing you say that helps. I hope that I will continue to take all of the kind thoughts and words from wonderful souls just like you and pile them up until I have enough courage to make a move in the right direction.
      And I will give the energy stealing a try! 😉
      Thank you so much!!

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  4. It takes so much strength and courage to leave. It took me years. I wish I could help you, I’d do anything to get you and your boys out of that horrible situation. You need warmth, understanding, kindness and love; and you seem to be receiving just the opposite. Will keep praying for you.

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    • Thank you for your thoughtful message, Melissa. I’m so glad you found the courage to leave, but sorry that you had to lose years in the process. The list of things you mentioned — warmth, kindness, understanding, love — this is the list of things I long for. Thank you so much for your kind words and your prayers. They mean the world to me. (And I’m sorry for your own experience… xo )

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