How the Hell Did I Get Here?

breast cancer is not my friend

I just learned that a friend of mine is expecting.  She is a wonderful person and such a good mom.  And I am so happy that things are falling into place for her and that she is going to welcome a new baby into her family…

So why am I so sad?

Other friends have been pregnant since the chemo made pregnancy questionable… and since a radical hysterectomy and oopherectomy made it impossible.  I see pregnant people and babies all the time.  My oncologist is even on leave to have her baby right now.  These things have made me a little sad… but just a little.

So why is this news bringing this non-crier to the verge of tears?

It’s as if it has finally just sunk in that this part of my life is over.  I will never have another pregnancy.  I will never have a “normal” pregnancy (my twin pregnancy was far from normal and my others ended in miscarriage)…  I will never have the little girl I waited my whole life for…  This is real and there is nothing I can do to change it…  Sure, I could adopt — if anyone would be willing to adopt to someone with my medical history.  Not likely!  Cancer has taken one more hugely important thing from me… and it hurts… it hurts almost as much as the surgeries did…

There are times when I can’t believe this is my life, when I feel that I’m SO far from where I expected to be…  There are times in the haziness of the night when I think “this” is a dream and that I will wake up to my “real” life in the morning.

Too Young for Breast Cancer -- Can't Have a Baby

Maybe that’s just the chemo-brain or the Percocet or the brain lesion talking?

Or maybe this is just how I cope with loss?

I know where I have been…  

I know where I am…  

But for the first time in my life, I don’t have an  f-ing  clue as to where I am going…

I HATE CANCER…

Holding my sweet little nephew… October 2010

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10 thoughts on “How the Hell Did I Get Here?

  1. Yea, the new normal is great isn’t it >:-( And it never seems to stop renewing. I wish you some real stability, for a least a few weeks. Sorry, but I’ve given up on thinking stability is possible for a few months.

    I must admit, I was expecting a real off the charts rant reading the first paragraph. I hope that somewhere, with someone, you really let it fly and allow all the anger and frustration out. This is all so wrong and so unfair.

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    • Thank you, YAPCaB… I know you understand this ‘new normal’ all too well. And I agree that it feels so wrong and unfair. I used to believe that things happened for a reason — I definitely don’t believe that now… I know some people actually think that I developed cancer for some purpose. But how could someone believe there is a good reason for us to suffer in this way? I’m sure I will get angry one day — probably with one of the people who says things like this to me! If I do, I will be sure to let you know! 🙂

      Thank you so much for reading — and for posting. I wish you weren’t in a position to understand, but it’s so helpful to hear from people who truly “get it!”

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  2. I really can relate to what you’re writing. Recently diagnosed with bc, no boyfriend so decided to do the whole IVF thing and they were able to ony free one egg cell. My chance of ever getting pregnant is so small. I was in a stage in my life where I wasn’t even thinking about kids… but to have this taken away from me feels so wrong. I don’t know if you’ve heard Kylie Minoque’s new single called ‘Flower’ she wrote it for the child she may never have. It’s so beautiful and sad.

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    • Hi Ciel,
      I don’t know if you ever read the reply I wrote to your comment because I was still kind of a novice with wordpress at the time. So I wrote a reply, but not as a “reply” so I’m sure it didn’t show up in your comments… In any case, I just received a new comment on this post and revisited it for the first time and saw the error I made. So I will repost my reply here — and I hope that this message finds you doing okay… Thank you again for taking the time to read & comment… Warmest wishes, L

      [Thanks, Ciel. So sorry that you are going through this. The sense of loss is a difficult thing for people to understand unless they’ve been through it or are going through it. I wish I had some great wisdom to share, but some things just don’t make sense.
      I will see if I can find her song… Thank you for sharing… And best wishes to you as you go through your treatment. If you ever want to “talk” about anything, please email me — cancerinmythirties@yahoo.com. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who has ‘been there.’
      Thanks so much for reading & commenting… Best wishes to you…]

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  3. Thanks, Ciel. So sorry that you are going through this. The sense of loss is a difficult thing for people to understand unless they’ve been through it or are going through it. I wish I had some great wisdom to share, but some things just don’t make sense.

    I will see if I can find her song… Thank you for sharing… And best wishes to you as you go through your treatment. If you ever want to “talk” about anything, please email me — cancerinmythirties@yahoo.com. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who has ‘been there.’

    Thanks so much for reading & commenting… Best wishes to you…

    Like

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