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I just learned that a friend of mine is expecting. She is a wonderful person and such a good mom. And I am so happy that things are falling into place for her and that she is going to welcome a new baby into her family…
So why am I so sad?
Other friends have been pregnant since the chemo made pregnancy questionable… and since a radical hysterectomy and oopherectomy made it impossible. I see pregnant people and babies all the time. My oncologist is even on leave to have her baby right now. These things have made me a little sad… but just a little.
So why is this news bringing this non-crier to the verge of tears?
It’s as if it has finally just sunk in that this part of my life is over. I will never have another pregnancy. I will never have a “normal” pregnancy (my twin pregnancy was far from normal and my others ended in miscarriage)… I will never have the little girl I waited my whole life for… This is real and there is nothing I can do to change it… Sure, I could adopt — if anyone would be willing to adopt to someone with my medical history. Not likely! Cancer has taken one more hugely important thing from me… and it hurts… it hurts almost as much as the surgeries did…
There are times when I can’t believe this is my life, when I feel that I’m SO far from where I expected to be… There are times in the haziness of the night when I think “this” is a dream and that I will wake up to my “real” life in the morning.
Maybe that’s just the chemo-brain or the Percocet or the brain lesion talking?
Or maybe this is just how I cope with loss?
I know where I have been…
I know where I am…
But for the first time in my life, I don’t have an f-ing clue as to where I am going…